Deciphering the Politics of the Famous #1

If you've ever been out canvassing for political opinion with the hope of discovering potential party sympathies you'll know speculation is an easy trap to fall into, but that doesn't stop anyone enjoying hypotheticals in the pub afterwards.

Anyway, it has the potential to be a good meme, so I'll start off.

Choose a group of people. Now use what knowledge you have of them to justify a response on your canvass card.

As it was the topic of the conversation, I'll go for a team of footballers.

1. David James
Talented goalkeeper who never quite fulfilled potential due to occasional high-profile errors. Always had an image problem. Longevity has seen him prevail and hopes to be vindicated in the long run.
Conclusion: Brownite New Labour.

2. Ashley Cole
Technically complete left-back, but an under-appreciated sergeant-major. Acquired a pop-star wife, flashy lifestyle and outspoken demeanour to compensate for insecurities - always blaming someone else.
Conclusion: Non-voter, strongly anti-politics. Would vote Conservative this time to see a change, but is pessimistic.

3. Rio Ferdinand
Classy Cockney defender from a footballing dynasty. Occasionally forgetful. Followed the money before rediscovering his roots. Now a committed family-man, he is established and secure in his role and engages in charity work.
Conclusion: Tribally Labour.

4. John Terry
One-club man, preeminent in his position. Captain of club and country who leads by example - nobody is more committed that him. Tactically astute. Vaguely menacing physical style, but has redeemed his character after being a bit of a tearaway as a youth.
Conclusion: Independent after rejecting extremism of others, probable non-voter.

5. Frank Lampard
Flashy goalscoring midfielder who requires preferential treatment to function best. Sold out his roots to become a member of the nouveau-rich establishment. Claret is too traditional for his taste - he craves modernity and popularity, but still trades on his roots in the family business.
Conclusion: Has publicly stated his support for Conservative party - a Cameroon and Blue...

6. Steven Gerrard
One club man and one man club - the ultimate home town hero! The cerebral soul at the driving heart of the team with an all-round game to match. Recently cited as the best player on the planet by the best player of the previous generation. Modestly deferred national captaincy and is prepared to play out of position for the sake of common purpose. Has recently seen both sides of the law as a victim of burglary, and when he was arrested for affray. Lives in Southport.
Conclusion: Archetypal LibDem.

7. David Beckham
mega-bucks, mega-sleb, goldenballs has had his ups and downs and carries the marks to prove it, but he's committed to hanging around 'til the bitter end. Controlled by the need for positive PR and has a team of muscular lawyers and publicists to promote his interests. Ubiquitous public presence has helped associate him with populist causes. Global chain of soccer schools is the first stage in his attempt to to create a vertically integrated football business (is expected to consider club ownership in the US upon retirement). Technically gifted but obsessed with image.
Conclusion: Blairite New Labour - is prepared to consider alternative flavours of the month but will probably end up founding the David Beckham Party. Will find an excuse to be out of the country this time. Non-voter.

8. Wayne Rooney
Creative attacker with a bullish temperament. Emotionally vulnerable and has succumbed to peer-pressure, so needs a dominant example to follow. Loud-mouthed missus.
Conclusion: Probable non-voter, but not forever. Might change his mind in an instant. Labour if anything this time.

9. Theo Walcott
Pacy and skillful. Is being groomed as a future star of club and country, but knows he still has a lot to learn and is not prepared to jepoardise his position by rash actions. Calm, rounded and grounded - is prepared to listen to all advice.
Conclusion: Undecided, first time voter.

10. Peter Crouch
Beanpole striker with a good touch. Striking dancing style and can take a joke. Resilient, hard-working and committed, but doubts remain about his limitations.
Conclusion: It's between the Greens and the LibDems...

11. Ryan Giggs
One-club man. 20 years and more than 1,000 games as a professional. Technically and tactically gifted winger who is among the most decorated players ever. Has evolved his game in order to play to maximum effect. Superb role-model. Chose honour and dignity over absolute stardom and riches. Conflicted loyalties in club vs country debate.
Conclusion: Floating voter, it depends on the candidates presented.

Count the score: That makes 2 Labour (+1 probable), 2 Conservative, 1 1/2 LibDems, 1/2 Green, 2 undecided and 2 non-voters.

Almost a bit too neat, maybe it's because my team is missing a right-back for balance.

Solidarity With Primate Inmates

Cousin Santino from Sweden has been doing some forward planning, which his media relations handler, Dr Mathias Osvath, said proved he is showing signs of "autonoetic consciousness".

What Dr Osvath didn't say was how being permanently locked up in animal prison or being forced against his will to live in an unnatural environment would effect Santino's mental state.

It sounds to me like the doctor may be afraid of being recognized by his captive subject when Santino works out how to express his feelings at being unjustly deprived of his liberty.

I understand that the days can get pretty slow up there but it will be a long wait until subtitles are provided for the entertainment.